


Control

by moonwillow27458



Series: Disordered [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Caring Castiel (Supernatural), Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Slash, Sam Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Sam Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Season/Series 05, Tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:53:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27367600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonwillow27458/pseuds/moonwillow27458
Summary: With the apocalypse looming, Sam's life is sprialling out of control. Thankfully, he has one way he feels he can cope with it all. That all comes crashing down when team free will stops off at a diner one evening, and Cas finally notices that he never eats.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester
Series: Disordered [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003455
Comments: 6
Kudos: 130





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So first, I am so sorry I know it's been so long since I posted any fanfic at all!! I also know I have WIPs, and I plan on updating them all soon!!
> 
> Second, I thinknI might make this into a verse. I already have the origins of Sam's ED planned ouf and I'm working on a fic set in season 1 along the same lines as this.
> 
> Third, this fic talks heavily about eating disorders and why Sam does this. It could be very triggering, so please read with caution. What Sam is doing is not healthy and there are better ways to cope, I promise!

Sam was exhausted.

He'd been running in fumes the last few days, barely sleeping and substituting real meals with coffee. It wasn't like he had time to eat anyway; there was always too much to be done. When they weren't checking out local hunts, Sam had been delving into apocalypse lore. The 'end of the world' folder on his laptop was getting big, and he knew he'd have to get a flash drive soon to keep a track of it all. So no, Sam hadn't had time to eat. At least that's how he justified it to himself.

After their latest hunt, Dean pulled into the parking lot for a roadside diner. Panic laid heavy on Sam's lungs. He'd nearly made it 3 whole days, he couldn't break fast just yet. _Not yet, please not yet_. But he felt the car rock as both Dean and Cas climbed out, which meant that Sam would have to get out too. He bit back the bile in his throat.

"You getting anything?" Dean asked. They piled into a window booth, Cas next to Sam and Dean across from them.

"I don't need to eat," Cas remarked.

"Thanks, genius. I was talking to Sam."

And Sam shook his head, because by some mercy of God Dean wasn't demanding he ate. He gave a shakey smile and coughed out something about getting a coffee, something to keep him awake until they found a place to crash, and Dean grunted in acceptance. He was too busy scanning the menu himself to care about Sam. But _Cas._

Cas was eyeing Sam, face tightened in a frown. He didn't say anything though. Just watched as Sam sipped away at his black coffee.

When they found a motel, a few towns over, Cas insisted on staying the night. It wasn't a bother, it wasn't exactly like he needed a bed, but Sam could still feel Cas watching him. He was waiting for something. Something like Dean falling asleep, and Sam being kept awake by the caffine jitters. And as Dean snored, hand under his pillow and most likely wrapped around a gun, Cas pulled a chair up by Sam's bed.

"Why don't you eat?"

"What do you mean," Sam half laughed, because what else could he do but feign ignorance.

"Humans need to eat, correct?" Cas questioned, and when Sam nodded he continued. "Well I haven't seen you in eat days. I know Dean hasn't noticed but I certainly have."

"I can last a few days without food, Cas."

"But you shouldn't. Fasting, practiced properly, can be good for your soul, but your stomach is crying out and you just keep ignoring it. Why?"

"It's hard to explain." And it was, but Cas had pulled up a chair to listen to Sam's story time. The angel was a millenia old, a few awkward minutes of listening to him rambling weren't going to hurt. That's what Sam was afraid of.

He sat up in bed. "If I don't eat, then I know I'm in control, right?"

"But you are in control , you've fought my brothers enough times to prove that."

"Yeah, okay. But, Cas, there's all this stuff going on in the world, and I can't control any of it. The apocalypse, impending doom, hell even the hunts we go on. There's bad things out there and people get hurt and I can't stop that. Most of the time, I don't even get a choice where we go, I just kinda follow Dean,

"But with my own body, I can control what goes in and out of it, right? I know what I'm eating, how many calories it is. If it feels wrong inside of me, I can get rid of it."

"So you're punishing yourself because you feel out of control."

"I'm not- I'm not punishing myself."

"You're starving yourself, you're damaging your body, it sounds like punishment to me."

"Well, maybe I deserve it," Sam mumbled. He realised his mistake, in that angels had super sonic hearing and Cas' ears pricked up at that.

He didn't say anything, but in the dull lamp light Sam could see he wasn't happy. A moment passed before Cas moved, replacing the chair underneath the small kitchen table. His fingers lingered over the wood for just a second before he turned back to Sam. Maybe if angels could cry, Cas would be. Or maybe Sam was conning himself into thinking someone cared. But when Cas pressed his hand so gentle to Sam's forehead, no angel mojo just touch, Sam had hope.

"Do you want to sleep?" Cas asked. He didn't pull his hand away, fingers tender on Sam's face. Sam, shaking off the caffine nodded, because _Christ_ he was exhausted. And Cas stroked over his hair and Sam was out for the count.

When he woke up in the morning, Cas was perched at the little table. Dean was up and about, whistling away in the shower, and Cas was there in front of him. Kind eyes watching.

There was a bag of food on the table, Sam could smell. His stomach was tying itself up in knots, trying to claw out of his throat to get to it. Sam figured he deserved something, maybe, becuase he'd done well last. Saved some lives. He took the seat opposite Cas.

"I got a few things," Cas said. Sam didn't know where he got it from, but didn't question it. There was coffee that smelt almost good and Sam chose to sip at that first. Cas' shoulders slumped, but he carried on. "I didn't know what food you like to eat, I realised I never see you eat much. Not like your brother. But the choice is yours. And if you decide not to eat, that is your choice too."

Sam felt a lump in his throat. There was hope, there was hope for him and Cas must care.

He hesitantly picked up a container of french toast, because even in his worst days he was a sucker for cinnamon. _It's meant to heal_ , Jess had told him once, and Sam needed that belief. With Cas sat across from him, healing felt like a possibility. Cas smiled, a full smile and those were rare these days.

"I'm glad you're eating, I wouldn't force you, but I am gald you are taking care of yourself."

Cas' arm was laid on the table, Sam reached forward to hold it. He didn't know how to say thank you. Thank you for trusting me, thank you for letting me stay in control, thank you for caring. But when Cas held him back, light grip, Sam knew that he knew.

He took a bite of his toast, and damn did it taste good.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, thanks for reading!!!
> 
> This fic was un-beta'd and I also wrote it at 3am so forgive me for any mistakes.
> 
> If this fic brought up any triggering feelings, please don't hesitate to talk to someone, it's always better to catch an ED early. You can message me on tumblr @benevolentsam if you want someone to talk to
> 
> This fic is based off my own experiences with eating disorders


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